Military Spouse Appreciation Day

She said "Some days I feel like sh**,
Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit,"
I don't understand why you have to always be gone,
I get along but the trips always feel so long,
And, I find myself tryna stay by the phone,
'Cause your voice always helps me when I feel so alone,
But I feel like an idiot, workin' my day around the call,
But when I pick up I don't have much to say,
So, I want you to know it's a little f****d up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"

I got this new song thanks to Julie Anna. (You can hear it on her blog) Perfect timing too, 'cause it says exactly what I feel right now.

I'm angry because I'm tired. I have been surprised at the energy it takes to get through the day. The toughest part lately has been bed times. I spend at least an hour putting Asher back in bed. (I hear thumping and jumping as I write this) He shares a room with Gabe and now that he sleeps on a real bed it's easy for him to creep down the stairs and sit there until he is discovered. Tonight he was discovered when I sneezed and a little voice from the stairwell said, "bess you mommy!" It'd be cute if it wasn't that night time is MY time if you know what I mean.

Yet, every night I take the time to recognize that we are one day closer to this ending.

Friday is Military Spouse Appreciation Day. As a Reservist the biggest sacrifices were time he spent away on drills, inhaling the musty BDU smell hovering in the center of the living room where his gear was dropped, and sex. But every woman has to give in once in a while, right ;) Now that we're active and deployed...this day means something new entirely. Mil spouses are appreciated not only for the sacrifices made, but the power we hold as motivators or distractors. I've been both during this deployment.

If JJ Abrams or M. Night Shama-lama-ding-dong had my kind of thinking time they'd be cranking out ten plot twisting, hair-raising screenplays a year. Naturally that kind of time drags the waters of the mind for emotional baggage. And then you have to sift through the wreckage to determine what issues are legitimate and what can be drowned by a gallon of ice cream. I haven't eaten much ice cream lately.

So, here I am feeling like a bad person for not being able to sustain happy joy joy conversations anymore and letting my frustrations fly over the sat phones. I'm sorry for that.

A reporter interviewed us about what military families are like today. Did I already mention this? Well, after the interview I was compelled to email the reporter later. I said, the truth is that most of the wives I know have struggled with depression and we don't like to talk about it.
Several take antidepressants. I've opted for counseling and excercise, but I have the list of licensed prescription writers on hand in case I can't shake it. Now, I think that is a very personal decision, but I feel such a stigma when I even consider it. (I feel like I'm outing us as I write this actually.) We want to be the strong Army wife that becomes Superwoman when the man (or woman) goes off to war because we know that whatever we're going through, they are feeling ten times the stress and half the resources to get through it. So we feel guilty reaching for that help and admitting that we can't get it together.

So, to not end on a bad note, thank you to all the military spouses on the right side of my blog for making me laugh or cry, helping me to know that I'm not alone, and how proud I am to be part of our special sorority. Some I know have made the ultimate sacrifice and nothing anyone can do can make it better, but I appreciate you also, you know who you are. You've displayed to me a new meaning of grace and strength that I am constantly humbled by.