Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Feeling Blue

So many thoughts have been tumbling through my brain with the tags "blog this" on them, but I just haven't taken the time to do it. I am really thinking about going underground. Meaning, I don't want anyone who knows the "real life" Monique to read this anymore. It's not that I have anything to hide, it's more to protect those that I love because I am very suspicious about who is reading my blog and because I want to write more freely - Terry doesn't want our stuff out there for our family and friends to read. Ok? :) Which I totally understand. So, if you want to be privy to word hell, I mean, well, send me an email word well 7 at yahoo dot com and I will approve you to read. (If no one emails me, I will be further depressed. Read on.)

Anyway, I've been dealing with a truly tipsy boss, sudden onset of insecurity and self-loathing for not being able to do anything I commit to: Running, cleaning my house, stop raiding candy stores, going to bed before midnight. It's like I'm fighting with my inner 4 year old. "I don't wanna take Gabe to Tae Kwon Do, I wanna sit here and pout. Hmph." Seriously I have issues. I am hoping this is only because I'm turning 30 in a couple of months and I haven't met my two goals to write a book and run a marathon. Simple right? Not real creative, but they were mine and they meant something to me. And I feel I've let myself down you know?

That's tough to feel when I (barely) held it together from 05-06, but I did it. My children didn't get taken by social services, I sought help when I needed it and refused anti-depressants when they were encouraged. Soldiers come back to awards and ribbons and praise, and I think sometimes spouses feel like their behind the scenes work is wiped clean when the spouse comes home. I feel that way sometimes. For those of you mommas, it's also like when the baby is born and all that focus on you and your health and your "glow" shifts to the baby. And you're spread eagle on the table, sweaty, fat, and like, "Um, I helped?" Ha ha.