Monique's Oscar highlights

The Oscars. I watched all 25 hours of the ego fest because, let's be honest, we all like to criticize celebs. It makes us feel better about ourselves to know that they may be filthy, stinking rich, gorgeous, and never have to scrub a toilet bowl, but us average Americans have something they don't - anonymity. I can piss off the clerk at the bank, cut someone off in traffic or go out in public having not showered for two days, wearing a baseball cap and a mumu and no one will think it acceptable to subject me to brutal truth like, "Hey MONIQUE. I loved you in [insert film here]. You look like crap!" But if anyone would like to pay me 25 million a year to be verbally abused, I accept.

Ok let's get started.

John Stewart.
I was nervous for John, I gotta say. His political humor would surely clash with Team-America-Is-Not-Funny George Clooney who was up for two awards. John did the best he could at making jabs at them without pissing them off, but it just wasn't as funny. His scripted jokes received barely a chuckle or golf clap, but his off the cuff quips were hilarious! Let me back up - the "Good Night and Good Luck. That's what George Clooney says to his dates the morning after" joke was pretty funny. I laughed out loud after the Hustle and Flow song, "It's Hard out Here for a Pimp" (Yup, folks, that's a title I would have predicted to win an Oscar) won: "For all of you keeping score. Martin Scorsese - 0. Three 6 Mafia - 1." Someone had to say it.

Reese Witherspoon
I love her. I want to adopt her, make her my new BFF, drink mochas, swap tips on how to outpower and outearn your husband without forcing him into the arms of the young, air-headed nanny to make him feel like a man again, (er, did I write that outloud?) and watch her re-enact Election. So, I was glad when she won. But I was holding my breath (along with her husband) to see if she would forget to thank him. (::Choking back tears:: They've been to marriage counseling you know. ) And she remembered. Sigh.

Charlize Theron - my friend said, "Charlize Theron looks mad." Pause. "At her dress." I couldn't have said it better. It looked like a Georgia O'Keeffe painting had sprung to life and implanted itself on her shoulder and she couldn't get it off in time for the show. Or she was thinking, "I knew I shouldn't have played ugly for an Oscar again. Stupid, stupid, stupid!!!" [Banging head on dress]

*INTERMISSION BEFORE LAUNCHING INTO CLOONEY AND OTHER POLITICAL TALK. PLEASE TAKE THIS TIME TO USE THE BATHROOM AND GRAB A BEER. READY?*

George Clooney - After reading a review of Syriana in the Post which read in part,

"The most pernicious element in the movie is the character at the moral
heart of the film: the beautiful, modest, caring, generous Pakistani who
becomes a beautiful, modest, caring, generous . . . suicide bomber. In his
final act, the Pure One, dressed in the purest white robes, takes
his explosives-laden little motorboat headfirst into his target. It
is a replay of the real-life boat that plunged into the USS Cole in
2000, killing 17 American sailors, except that in
the "Syriana" version, the target is another symbol of American imperialism in the
Persian Gulf: a newly opened liquefied natural gas terminal."

And summarized the op-ed with this chilling line, "Osama bin Laden could not have scripted this film with more conviction," I'm not into Sexiest Man in the World George. I guess having a soldier at war kinda jaded me against him. He won for best supporting anyway.

I want to grab George, pet his head and say, "Shhhhh, just stand there, make romantic comedies and look pretty. There now." Instead, lest he make an acceptance speech without a political overtone and throw the world into chaos, I get something like: "Yes, I know I am the enlightened one and I'm damn proud of it. We [the movies] have changed the world for the better."

And when he mentioned civil rights being one of the causes Hollywood championed when no one else would (I guess he forgot about MLK, nameless faceless students at sit-ins, and old women walking to work during the bus boycott) I couldn't help but think um, wasn't 2002 the year a black woman first won for leading actress? Yeah. Progressive. Yes, yes, Hattie McDaniel won a best supporting for Gone With the Wind, but she played a mammy in the slave south! It WAS 1939, and she was amazing (I actually love that movie) so that's pretty huge but talk about typecasting! (John Stewart made funny after a montage of clips from movies about the issues of their respective eras saying, "And there are no more problems in the world.") Ahmen.

I much preferred Crash's producer's thanks to all those who stand up for injustice when the cameras aren't rolling. I confess I did not see Syriana. I save my $10 for art that doesn't piss me off, but I did see Crash and that touched the same general issues of racism and intolerance that George rams downs our throats. Humility can also get you an Oscar, Clooney.
Crash - 3.
Clooney - 1.

And just to show that I have a sense of humor, the Dick Cheney joke topped my favorites too. "Bjork couldn't make the show because Dick Cheney shot her when she was trying on her dress."

Next year I hope to see Paul Giamatti, Selma Hayek just because she's freaking gorgeous (I'm an equal opportunity oogler), Kiera Knightly, Terrence Howard, and I'm sure Tom Hanks will be in there somewhere with Spielberg. Again. Could we just give them their lifetime achievement awards and call it a night?

I guess I should stop complaining and be content with Jamie Foxx not breaking into a Ray Charles song. And now that I'm all out of snarky comments, until next year, folks!