The comment brought a flood of questions to my mind such as, how does a marriage last? How can one person possibly fulfill you for, in my case, the next 80 years? Is it routine that keeps us safe and makes us stay or does it drive one to find excitement with someone else, only to repeat the cycle with them as well? I'll admit that if I were to turn back time, knowing what I know now, I'm not sure I could in good conscience make a promise to love and cherish someone for that long. (Love, yes, cherish maybe not :)
As a 20 year old with a baby to raise, I made that promise and I'm committed to fulfilling it. But I don't want my marriage to be reduced to a mere contract. Contracts are cold, vetted rules with little room for mistakes and forgiveness, which any relationship is chock full of. Although, with almost ten years in this relationship, I know a marriage takes a lot of of those negotiating skills. (This is not to say that there aren't deal breakers in a marriage. I believe there absolutely are.)
So to the question, am I contradicting myself by wanting routine and excitement? I don't think so. I think you need both to make a relationship last, it's just that each must occur at the appropriate time. Agreeing on when those times are...well I guess that's where the relationship lives or dies. (I am full of contradictions though. I suppose it's because I'm still figuring myself out. ) But as to my marriage and family, I have to put that question in today's context - I LIVE the clatter of the unknown, the clatter of war. The unknown is - is he alive and safe today? And I certainly can live without that noise now, I long for routine now.
Of course he will probably return safe and sound (although with some hearing loss from an IED). Eventually this will be a memory and we'll perhaps slip once again into a yawning routine that draws the eyes elsewhere. But by that post I meant that when this is all done, I hope I remember that even when we're not in the middle of a deployment, unless maybe you're Amish, life is unpredictable and we should enjoy every minute of it simply because we have it. And as Americans, we have it better than MOST. (And I'm pretty damn proud of Terry for serving.)
Donna Britt's recent column in the Washington Post is sort of related. She writes that no one is immune from problems:
"I'm talking about the immunity that most of us believe on some unspoken level is ours -- the kind that's supposed to protect us from life's ills....
You can be a universally respected journalist for one of the nation's finest
newspapers, living on what one neighbor called "the ideal Mayberry RFD block,"
and be killed during your evening walk. You can be one of your working class
community's best-known and -loved political figures and discover that a pair of
youngsters whom you invited into your home are holding a gun to your head."
While the article rather a downer I took it as a reminder that, damn right, none of us are entitled to a problem free life. I have no guarantee that my husband is coming home. Of the widows of soldiers and Marines that I've encountered, they weren't any different from me. Moms and wives living routine lives, so sure that their guy was coming home - and they died. Let's appreciate each moment (I know, the most original thought EVER) and enjoy even the monotony.
That felt good. Think I'll go read some Frankl.
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