I didn't plan on writing very much while Terry was home, but I'm having a moment.
It didn't take very long for us to go back to "regular" life. I found myself asking him to take out the garbage or stop Asher from certain death, or change a diaper, etc etc. We slipped back into our routines so easily that I was encouraged by the prospect of him coming home for good, instead of freaking out that he would be some sort of alternative PTSS version of himself.
But this slide into normalcy is not a good thing. I don't want to be the way we were before the deployment. I want to keep this stirring in my heart, this anticipation of being with him, with our children. I want to always think of this day, or even this moment as our last and let the rest of the crap the usually makes me crazy, fall away; the arguing over if we have a router or a wireless card in storage, where the CIA is located, what road gets us home the fastest. I'm even trying to relax on the old annoying habits like his ear piercing whistle, or absent minded act of placing an item anywhere it will fit (as opposed to my "a place for everything and everything in it's place approach") - they don't matter when you look at us in this light. I know this sounds so Oprah, but it's true.
When you look at someone you love and think, I'm so glad I chose you to share my life with you, I don't want to waste a minute quibbling over shit that doesn't matter, life is sweet like sinking your teeth into a fresh melon, not like the rush (followed by a crash) from a triple mocha that we experience in the beginning of a great relationship. Example: he took down all the Christmas decorations and packed every tiny ornament in wrapping and tucked each glass ball in its case while I took a two-hour nap. I wanted to offer my body on a plate for that! It was so simple and stupid but I was so appreciative of it.
Each night we make dinner and eat as a family. I think I miss this the most while he is gone. Then, like synchronized swimmers, I clean and he gets the boys ready for bed. It's like clockwork and it, well, it works. And I enjoy it.
And before I Pollyanna my life anymore, I still think our lives would make a good reality show. We are fire and ice. Friends actually used to have a good laugh watching us spar at parties (all in good fun of course) and SOME thing is always happening around here. But these routines of dinner, bedtimes, caring for our children, planning the future or planning a day out, are what I enjoy the most.
I hope we hang on to this new attitude like a captured butterfly; tight enough to keep it but not enough to crush it's perfection.
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3 comments:
Great post. I think we all could probably stand to take some time and revel in that which drew us to our mates in the first place.
When your hubby goes back, please don't hesitate to ask for anything.
Hmm, lovely thoughts, my fair friend. But don't you think what you are asking for is something of a contradiction? The hum of routine and the clatter of the unknown? Not being argumentative, but I think many people get divorced because they are smothered under the routine of life day in and day out with another person; the other half stay married because the routine is a known (if sometimes numbing) entity.
It will be interesting to see if you can make that work out. Perhaps one of you will have to adopt a more liberal pose; then I will always invite you to spar over dinner. ;-))
PS: Give yourselves a (perfectly platonic) hug from me. I'm so glad you are getting this time together. xoxo
Marie's comments deserve a full on blog entry.
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