Some thoughts on life right now

First, does anyone know what happened to Melanie???

As you can see the writing has dropped dramatically. I guess my life is now a normal stay-at-home-mom, married to a part time soldier routine - and I like it like that - but it feels so, off. Not normal. I'm used to chaos and uncertainty. Actually there is a degree of uncertainty still and I think that's my problem.

Let's go back to last Thanksgiving. Terry was in Iraq and had survived his first (and only) IED. Some friends had died and we were pretty much in the dumps. He more than I. I planned to order dinner from the store. Everyone knows I don't like to cook, so, as if that wasn't reason enough, I also didn't want to think about Thanksgiving alone, but I wasn't going to skip the holidays because I just couldn't do that to the boys. We ended up being invited to another soldier's home, had a beautiful time, and made some fun memories. It's so strange to look back and think it's been a year. I was six months into the deployment and starting to really feel the strain of single motherhood, etc, etc, but today it's a 360. Terry is home, his parents are visiting, Asher and Gabe are fabulous children and growing more adorable by the second.

Gabe just started TaeKwonDo. My husband was (is?) a black belt and took third place in a national competition back in the day (*cough*ten years ago*cough*) so I think it gives him a little thrill to see his son starting in the sport. Gabe loves it. He was determined to get his first belt before his grandparents came to visit. And he did. And it's only going to cost over $100 a month. (WTF?!?!!)

Asher is talking so much! I realize this may be my last baby and I'm nostalgic for his infancy already. He was such a beautiful baby.

And is still kinda cute - pirate's "aaaarrrrrgggg" and all.

He is turning three next week. THREE!!!! I just can't believe it. He was only one when Terry left,but through the wonders of technology Terry was actually able to be there for Ash's 2nd bday.

In fact, Terry's only missed one birthday out of the three he was deployed through. He was able to schedule leave time around Gabe's in 2005. He missed Gabe's 8th birthday though...

So back to me. Now that he's back we're trying to get back on track, but we don't know what that means. It's not like we just picked up where we left off. Everything's changed. Gabe is this young man who has opinions on where he wants to go to school and what sports he wants to play and what girls he likes and dislikes. Asher says crazy things like, "It was an accident" when he hits his brother or, "That's crap" when he's mad. (Yup, parents of the year). I'm like, "STOP CHANGING EVERYTHING!" to Terry because he. keeps. changing. stuff. around. the house. I'm like, "The vacuum cleaner works fine if Gabe holds the wires together, just leave it alone!" No, I'm not afraid of change, why do you ask?

But seriously, the big black cloud over our heads is how or CAN we move past this? Can we put this behind us? Can HE put this behind us? SHOULD we put this "behind us"? I don't know. I don't think it's possible to forget the things he saw and experienced that I have to cover my ears and say, please don't tell me anymore. Please let's not think about those families that will never be whole again. I just want to believe that someday their loved ones will come home too, but I know it's not true. And then I feel guilty for wanting to forget about Iraq. I want to move away from here, but I know you can't outrun these things. And there are things attached to that urge to flee. I don't even know if we should physically move. It's too expensive where we live. Well, too expensive for a nonfirm lawyer and stay at home mom, and I guess that's true all over the country except Wisconsin or friggin Utah or something and there's no way I'm moving there. Just when I thought I understood this whole "life" thing I see that the decisions don't get easier. This is the best way I can sum up my life right now:

The Waiting Place......for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to goor the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or a No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

At the same time, I am so very grateful for all that I have. If I lived in this house for the rest of my life, drove the same old car, did the same job, but my children were healthy and my husband was home, I would be happy. I am blessed.

Did I mention Asher was born on Thanksgiving? Yes. He reminds me everyday how blessed I am. Confused. But blessed.