Sweet misery

The last couple of days have been good. No rushing, a mostly clean house, no bombs or shootings near my husband that I know of. The weather's been hot, gas has gone down, and I haven't put on too much weight from all the junk food and absent exercise. However I've been missing my husband more and more. Time feels like it's going slooooooweeerrr and sllllllooooooowwwwer. Despite looking at the calendar and how rushed I still feel keeping my kids on a schedule sometimes, the looming deployment clock is too hard to digest. August 06? That might as well be 10 years from now! It's been over four months since he left and I certainly don't feel like I'm a quarter of the way through, particularly when I'm killing prehistoric sized grasshoppers in my basement or sleeplessly tossing and turning in an ocean of a bed; the lone passenger. Sigh. It's just one of those weeks where things are good and yet in the back of my mind, kind of bad. (OR maybe I suffer from chronic pessimism...)

On the other hand, I think I fell in love again - with my children. If anything good comes of this, it's that I've been very emotional, proud and close to my children. Gabe's crossed some serious milestones - girls and crushes and jealousy - (which he has also sworn me to secrecy so shhhhhh if you ever see him.) It made me so sad to realize that some girl will steal his heart from me one day, but happy that he's beginning the adventure of crushes and infatuation and joy and thrills of love. (I did downplay the use of the word "girlfriend." Clearly one of his classmates has an older sibling, because he didn't bestow that term on his new "friend" - someone else did.)

Since Gabe's been at school all day, Asher and I have had a chance to bond more. In the mornings I rush down to my computer to see if Terry's sent me an email. I'll read and type for only a few minutes before he squeezes his soft, pudgy body next to mine and watches "melmo" (Elmo).


Last night Gabe fell asleep in my bed while I read The Lion, the witch and the wardrobe. (We're about half way through, looking forward to meeting Aslan). I closed the book and set it on my nightstand and he couldn't hide the smile that says, "I'm pretending to be asleep so you'll carry me to my room." I awkwardly scooped up his lanky body when he, eyes still closed, whispered, "Mommy will you carry me like a baby?" I obeyed.

I give my boys and extra squeeze for their father everyday and it does my heart good.