Tonight Gabe came downstairs crying. He said something about daddy dying.
"Why did you picture daddy dying, Gabe?" I asked.
"Because I was watching Asher sleeping and it looked like he was dead, and then I thought of daddy."
I just sat there and held him. I wanted so badly to tell him his daddy would come home, to promise him nothing would happen to him. But I couldn't, because it would just be wrong. He's too old for that. But too young to be thinking about death. What a terrible thing for a seven year old boy to think about. It breaks my heart.
The only thing I could think to do was to watch video and slideshows of Terry. He watched clips of them wrestling when he was home on leave. He laughed hysterically, as if he was playing with Terry right then and there.
I thought the moment had passed but then he asked, "How many soldiers have died in Iraq mommy?" I was not at all prepared for that question.
"Some have died Gabey."
"But how many?"
"Just. A lot Gabe."
"20?"
"No Gabey, more than that," I am wondering what to do. I really don't know what to say to him, he's never talked like this before to me. I'm trying to think how to distract him and I look for more photos.
"100?" I have a sick pit in my stomach at what two-thousand, three-hundred would sound to him. I know I can't continue this conversation.
"Gabe, Daddy is strong and smart and well trained. He's safe right now ok?"
We watch some more video and it's late. He has to go to bed. He has school in the morning.
"C'mon Gabe," I try to lift him out of the chair. He clings to me.
"Gabey, how about we find a picture of daddy for you to put under your pillow?"
"Ok."
We drag out the photo albums looking for a picture of them together. The first album we look at is from our college days. Then I start to tear up looking at Gabe as a baby, two, three years old.
"Why is daddy gone all the time!" he raises his voice. This anger has been creeping up lately. I say, "Gabey when daddy's not here, who is?"
"You."
"And remember when mommy was in New York? (grad school) Who was with you?"
"Daddy," he says.
"One of us is always here, ok? And soon we'll all be together again and I promise daddy will stay home more."
You know what's good about this? To see how deeply Gabe cares for his father and that he can give his emotions a voice. They've formed a bond that I hope will only get stronger when Terry gets home.
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9 comments:
I'm a friend of Heidi's, and I read your blog often. I got all teary when I read this entry. I had imagined how someday I would explain to our children why Daddy was gone a lot. Sounds like you handled that tough conversation really well. Your boys seem so precious. May the Lord bring Terry home safe and soon.
My heart goes out to you. You are a brave and good mother. Stay strong.
MQ, damn I feel for you. My friend's kids often ask questions that I am not prepared to anwser yet either. I just find the best truthful answer I can and refer them back to mom. (Yeah I know I'm cheating).
What I find so great is that such a little man can think so deep. Children often amaze me of the concepts they have and think about as such a young age. He's a smart little man even with the sensitive subject matter.
I cried so hard last night after Gabe (finally) went to sleep. I've had my own bouts of fear about losing my husband and it kills me to think that my baby is experiencing this kind of fear. I called military one source that night!! :) I'm glad he said something to me, but I do hope he doesn't think too hard on this again, it's too much for a kid I think. When he saw Asher sleeping, he also said that he made sure he was breathing! Moms, remember those moments with your newborns? Checking to see they were alive? What seven year old does that??? Gabe is such a sweet boy...
I think it is terrible that children have to experience adult issues . . . I think you handled it very well. I can't imagine if Colin would have been older and having to tell him his daddy had died. I have years to prepare but not sure I will ever be ready for that talk . . . hang in there the end is near!
Thanks for sharing that...I'm teary-eyed myself. I don't have children yet but I can only imagine how difficult those things are...why does life have to be so hard? Grown up stuff is the pits. Kudos to you for taking the time to explain ;)
Oh, that's so heart-wrenching. It would be hard enough to have your husband gone, but then to have to help your children deal with it, too. My heart goes out to you.
You are doing a good job. I remember going through the same thing with my girls when hubby was last deployed. It IS heartwrenching. You have to keep strong for them when sometimes all you want to do is hide in a corner and cry. But time has gone by, and now he'll be home soon! But I don't have to remind you of that :)
When is he coming home?
You are a very, very, very good mom.
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