Family Ties and Goodbyes

Today my brother and sister left to return to Seattle (actually the Tri-Cities for those of you who know Washington). I was surprisingly sad to see them go. Let me explain that. When I booked their flights back in October, I mostly didn't want to be alone during the holidays. I expected to do a lot of parenting instead of having a break myself, but it turns out they really made a difference being here for two weeks. I enjoyed their company as siblings instead of as an aunt or a parent. I guess I need to explain that too. They have a different father than I do and I am several years older than them. My sister is 14 and my brother is 16. We also have a brother who is 19 and another brother who is 12. I have a full sister who is 24. Our father's whereabouts are unknown, although we did know him at one time. Ok, now that, that Brady Bunch explanation is out of the way I can move on.

I usually start any visit with them with an interrogation; how are you doing in school? how is mom (cancer treatment a year ago)? is your dad still working? I think they hate it, but they know I only do it because I care. But after a couple of days we're just family. There's no grilling about life, although I did lecture a couple of times about the importance of college, College, COLLEGE!

I was surprised to even feel a little envious of them. That emotion would take more time to explain than I care to donate to this blog. I look at my sister and I see my mother when she was younger. (How's this for a brain twist? My sister is only three years younger than my mother was when she had me!) Anyway, I look at her and I think of how my mom used to be; young, happy, exciting, beautiful, sought after, smart. Now she's like this shell of a person. She spends her days "fighting for her life" as she puts it. Although she is free of cancer, she still experiences seizures so she treats herself with a special diet that takes a lot of preparation and she is terrified to leave the house for fear of erupting into a seizure in public. Again, too much to explain here.

I was jealous though, because despite all their financial, health and educational troubles they are a family. They have their father, each other and whether they realize it now or not, that will be such a comfort to them as they go on in life. I often feel alone because I am so much older than them and can't really talk to them like most people do with their siblings. Then again, I have learned that MOST people don't have the greatest relationships, whole, half or otherwise related to their siblings ;) I guess the best way to explain it is I feel like an orphan. Ugh. Is that too dramatic? Sorry. I was self reliant at an early age, so that's the only way to explain it..

In the end, they were on the verge of tears as well. My sister was especially sad because she IS the only girl at home now and she was too young to remember living with me. (I moved out at 17 so she was five) In fact I barely remember what they were like when I lived at home too. Isn't that weird? Anyway, in a sick way, I felt better knowing that it was painful instead of a relief to see them leave. I love them and I hope one day we will all be a close family, no matter how far apart we are, geographically or otherwise.